• Sarah Margaret Henry

From Ew to Aw! The Worst and Best Star Wars Toys


So after three years and nine long months, my fiance successfully showed me all nine of the Star Wars trilogy movies.


I resisted for a long time. Nothing about them particularly interested me, and some of the more vocal sects of the Star Wars fanbase can be extremely toxic.


I'm not going to even talk about what they did to my girl Kelly Marie Tran. She is so many levels of badass, and her tormentors can only pray to be a fraction as cool as she is some day.


But anyhow, I am now officially obsessed. And I can't stop looking at all of the seemingly infinite merchandise you can purchase online.


It started with searches on Mercari, because you can find all sorts of cool vintage crap on there. But through my searches, I've stumbled upon the reality of some of the truly horrible and terrifying garbage creations made by people trying to make a buck off of Star Wars.


So from the ungodly to the adorable, let's take a look at some merch Star Wars produced over the years.


Just a by the way, if you use any of these links to get an adorable plush or a truly horrifying mug, I make a tiny commission so I can keep writing cool stuff like this. Thanks a bunch!


10. Any Jar Jar Binks Mask

There have been several iterations since 1999 when The Phantom Menace got released — several of which you can currently buy on Amazon — but the vintage ones, in my opinion, are where you find the truly horrifying options.


No matter what opinion you have on Binks, I think we can all agree he's not the most...pleasant looking.


And trying to replicate a CGI character in a latex mask is just not a venture upon which I would wish to endeavor.


9. Slave Leia Perfume


No. Just. No.


I've never understood perfume marketing, but this is probably one of the worst attempts I've seen.


She's a...slave. To a gigantic, disgusting slug man. What's it going to smell like? Garbage? Sweaty alien? Rusted chains?


Slave Leia is not a sexual icon. The only powerful moment that happens while Carrie Fisher was forced to wear this costume was when she strangled her abuser to death.


That's the slave Leia we should all remember. She's not supposed to be sexualized. I know I'm asking too much of the industry to make that distinction.


8. Jabba the Hutt Mug


Speaking of Slug Man...


I could easily list several Star Wars characters I would not want to put my lips on, but time and time again, Jabba would land at the top.


And I certainly wouldn't want to drink anything out of him.


7. TaunTaun Sleeping Bag


Remember in Empire Strikes Back when Han needs to slice open a TaunTaun and shove his friend Luke inside to save him from the brutal Hoth night?


Remember thinking, hm, my goodness does that look comfortable?


Well, in 2009, you could have that very experience with the TaunTaun Sleeping Bag.


It even has a tiny lightsaber zipper, so you can pretend to kill the innocent TaunTaun over and over again! And with the adorable organs and intestines print on the inside, I personally know I would fall asleep in seconds.


These are quite the collector's item and now go for hundreds of dollars, but they were originally only $40.


6. Super Deformed Yoda Plush Toy


I love Yoda, I really do. He's hilarious, senile, wise, and sarcastic.


He actually reminds me of my grandma.


But people have tried time and time again to capture him in plush form and it just does not work.


He's not supposed to be particularly cute, but he always just ends up looking rather strange.


This one is literally called "Super Deformed Yoda Plush Toy."


That feels like an insult, not something you would name your product from the get-go. But I guess they're really leaning into it, and I have to respect that.


5. Interactive Action Porg Plush


I freaking love porgs.


The fact that there were puffins on the island and instead of digitally removing them, they just added a new alien species on top?


Iconic.


I've never held one, but I would think that with the mechanisms inside that make him flail and cry, he wouldn't be particularly fun to snuggle, and that personally is the reason I would get one.


I want to snuggle the crap out of it.


Also, when Chewie bursts onto the scene to help the Rebellion in The Last Jedi and the little porg has his little battle cry?


It warms my heart.


Just like how Chewie warmed the porg over the fire in front of other porgs. But, bygones, right?



4. BB-8 Force Band

You get to traverse the galaxy with awesome little BB-8 by your side.


You can control his movements with your force band, but he also has a little mind of his own. His top speed is 4.5 miles an hour, and on the app, you can control Adaptive Personality, Force training, and view and record holographic recordings.


3. Jedi Challenges AR Experience


I got this for my fiance when they first came out (I know, best girlfriend award).


It's actually pretty awesome, which is why I'm sad it seems they don't make them anymore. You put on the headset and can lightsaber battle with different villains and heroes throughout the series. You start training against battle droids and your first official battle is against Darth Maul.


You can also play Holochess, the game from the Millennium Falcon, and a strategic combat game. It's pretty awesome, because I don't know any other way I could see Darth Maul in my living room.


2. Any Star Wars Mr. Potato Head



A rational person would put these lower down.


But I think these are a truly hilarious cross-over between unlikely genres.


I don't know a single person who has ever once watched Toy Story and said "Yes. I need a Kylo Ren Mr. Potato Head. And screw it, I need a Han Solo one, too."


Oh, I'm sorry, did I say Kylo Ren and Han Solo?


Their official, God-given Christian names are Frylo Ren and Han Spud-Lo. There's also a Luke Frywalker.


My mistake.


1. Baby Yoda Plush


Yes.


I have completely and utterly fallen for the hype.


Baby Yoda (I know, The Child) was my birthday present to me. We went to WalMart almost exclusively to get him. And that's dedication during a pandemic. We had to wait in line just to get in; it felt like an exciting midnight release!


Except it was in the middle of the day, it was raining, and it was released a few days ago.


But either way, after bringing him in, an thoroughly sanitizing him, and giving him a big ol' hug, I had no regrets.


Baby Yoda chilling with my Detective Pikachu

Bonus!

If you're not interested in any mass produced merch, seek out some of the truly remarkable creations of individuals on Etsy. It's amazing to me what people can make.


I frequently have some Star Wars merchandise and other nerdy creations in my Etsy store, so don't be shy and check that out!

----------------------------------------------------


Did I forget any of your favorite — or least favorite — Star Wars memorabilia? Who is your favorite Star Wars Mr. Potato Head?


Let me know in the comments!

0 views
  • Still Poetry Facebook
  • Still Poetry YouTube

Want to buy me coffee?  #supportstarvingartists